Love Tank?... What's That?



Photo By: Salvatore Vuono

Well in my last post I, in passing, used the term "Love Tank." It sort of dawned on me after the fact that while "Love Tank" is a common expression used in our home it might not be a term you are familiar with. First I must give credit where it is due... "Love Tank" is not a term we made up ourselves. We read it in a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages"here is a link to his website for more information.

We read this book about 4-5 years ago and it has changed our marriage. There have 2 events in our short (6.5 years) marriage that have changed it forever and this was the second (I'll comment on the other one at some point but not today). One struggle we had for a long time in our dating and early marriage relationship was not knowing how to keep each other happy. I will be honest and say it was mostly me. B (that's what I'll call my husband) is pretty good about keeping up at least a front of being happy but me on the other hand had no problems letting him know when I wasn't happy.

Up until we read this book he didn't really know how to help keep me "balanced" for lack of a better word. He has described the change as "before I just learned how to weather the storms, now I know how to keep the storms at bay." He literally used to just rid out the "storms," as he calls them, and wait till I was in a better mood. Now he know the warning signs (I guess when gray clouds start to roll in), and can be proactive in clearing the forecast.

See Dr. Chapman's book describes 5 "love languages," Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and  Acts of Service, and says that everyone has a primary and usually a secondary love language. It is how you are shown love. For me my primary love language is Quality Time, hence why just walking around a town wide garage sale talking and being with my husband and family filled my love tank. My secondary is physical touch. B's Primary is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation are his secondary.

One other big idea from Dr. Chapman's book is the concept that you show love, usually, in the same ways as you receive it. Well in our case that wasn't true. B thought he was showing me he loved me by doing the dishes, taking out the trash, helping fold the laundry, making me breakfast in bed (everyday when I was working), warming up my car for me, making my lunch. You might be thinking and you didn't think he loved you? Well I thought the same thing too. I though "what is wrong with me that I can't see how much this guy must love me. But still I had and empty love tank.

B shows love by Acts of Service (even though it isn't even a primary or secondary love language for him). Since we have learned each others love languages B knows that it's important to sit next to me and watch a movie or spend a day driving around to look at houses we like and comment on what we would like our next house to look like. That quality time fills my love tank. He still makes me breakfast, does dishes and takes out the trash but he knows that wont keep the storms at bay.

We also realized that since we both share Physical touch (and physical touch doesn't always mean intimate touch) as a love language (B's primary, my secondary) that his love tank was staying much fuller than mine naturally. I still have to make a very conscious effort to work on keeping his love tank full.

So I challenge you... Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouses? What about your Kids (Yup they have a love tank too)? If you don't Dr. Chapmans website has test to help determine them. You may be surprised at how big an impact this can make on really any of your relationships. Just like a cars gas tank you can't run on the fumes for long without having major engine problems, so fill those love tanks and keep 'em over flowing!